Dear Pauline,
I have truly come to love you. I hurt for you. I hurt for the normalcy in your life you never had. You had an absentee father who set horrible examples for you. You had a mother, may she rest in peace, who never found love but sought it so eagerly having 4 children with 3 different men. Your life was filled with stepfathers and mom's boyfriends until the day she died in the middle of the night. You do not have a full biological sibling but many half siblings. I wanted to badly for our family to be the family you never had. I wanted to give you the example of a Godly wife and mother. Unfortunately, I failed you. I'm sorry.
When you first entered my son's life I was judgmental and felt you were not good enough for him. I was not happy. I was scared. You did not share our faith which is very important to us. I put up walls and barriers. I blamed you for my son's fall into sin. I blamed you for the man he had become. You listened to the words of the alienator and believed his lies because I made it too easy. I gave you plenty of reasons to believe his words. Again, I'm sorry.
And then you had my sweet grand daughter, Dawn. I was kept from seeing her for the first 2 years of her life except for the occasional visit on Christmas or some other occasion. But now.....that little girl is a joy in my life. I love being with her. She reminds me of her daddy. She reminds me of me. And now you have blessed me with sweet Bella. I'm now a part of their lives and I thank you so much! I want to be close to you too. I'm proud of the mother and wife you have become. I get upset when I hear my son talk to you disrespectfully. You are a sweet and caring person and deserve to be treated with kindness. I love you. I pray for you today and always.
The Dusty Magnolia
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Monday, January 25, 2016
The Cast
There is me! The wife and mother. I was married before to a very violent man. I had two children with him before I realized it was never going to change. I prayed hard for God to send someone who would accept my children as his own.
Enter my husband, Paul. (names changed) He adopted my two children and, as prayed for, accepted them as his own. We have been married almost 24 years. We had six more children making the supporting cast of eight.
Child 1: Crawford. The alienator. The one who will stop at nothing to destroy our family. The one who waits in the shadow to snare each child as they leave home. The angry one. The sociopath. The one who is perfect and never to blame. The one I have had to bury and suffer his death and yet he continues to resurrect.
Child 2: Lynn. My first daughter. The one I once has a special bond. The one whose betrayal I never saw coming. The one who hurts me with her children.
Child 3: Paul. Our first baby together. The one that held our hearts for so long. The one who still causes us tears. He is brainwashed. We still hope. We pray for his return.
Child 4: Grace. She almost fell into the clutches of evil. They worked hard on her. But through the grace of God she escaped the icy grips. She ran back into our arms. She loves us and makes us feel so. She lives close. Lets us watch our grand baby grow. She is God's consolation for the pain we have endured.
Child 5: Clare. The almost perfect one. The one that is still too young. She is undefiled. She is an honor student. She is God's consolation to us.
Child 6: Michael. Our special boy. He is autistic with a brain injury. He is like dealing with quadruplet toddlers. He is my little angel on the inside but can be loud, abusive, demanding and just down right nasty!
Child 7: Marie. I'm not sure about this one yet. She is a pistol. But she is so funny. So full of life She is popular wherever she goes. She has a kind and strong heart and loves her faith. I think this one may need a little extra prayers. She is a lot like Grace and could be easily led astray but also easily kept close.
Child 8: Augustine (Gus). The baby. He may have some learning issues and deals with a lot of ADHD. He loves us to the point of suffocation! He brings me so much comfort and joy. So many nights I can still hold him on my lap and feel the security that I can give him.
Grand child 1 and 2: Natty and Deanne. They belong to the alienator. I see them every couple months thanks to their mother who is divorced from Crawford.
Grand 3: Dawn. Belongs to child 3. She is a character. She loves me. She loves to come stay with me.
Grand 4: Rose. Belongs to child 2. The first of the grandchildren to truly be used against me. I have seen her only a few times in her first year. She is also the first grand from a daughter. I was surprised at the bond I had for her before she was born. Being cut out of her life has had an unexpected pain.
Grand 5: Mena. My joy in life. She belongs to child 4. She is the one I see all the time. The one whose face brightens when she sees me. The one to whom I can truly be grandmother.
Grand 8: Bella. She belongs to child 3. His second. I have seen her may times since her birth. She is so sweet and beautiful.
Grand 7: Gerard. Second baby of child 2. The first boy. A new pain for Paul as he is cut from his first grandson's life. He is the newest. The smallest. The first one to enter the world without us knowing until he was here.
The other supporting roles include the other halves of these children. The ones who have a big influence on them once they leave.
Child 1 has had three of these. The first lasted a month. The second gave me 2 grandchildren and lasted a year. The third has been a pretend spouse but will be making it official this spring.
Child 2 is married to Tony. He can not stand anyone in her family and isolates her from everyone. She told us after they were first married that he was abusive. I have not heard anything since then.
Child 3 is married to Lynn. Since there is already a Lynn in the cast we will call her Pauline. She did not like us for a long time. I understand She did not know us. She was poisoned by the lies that child 1 and 2 told them. But God has worked hard on us. We love her dearly and if she doesn't know that we pray that one day she will.
Child 4 is married to Benny. He is amazing. He has replaced the 2 older brothers for the younger children. They love him.
So there is my cast of characters. We are a motley crew but is there a family on earth who is not??
Enter my husband, Paul. (names changed) He adopted my two children and, as prayed for, accepted them as his own. We have been married almost 24 years. We had six more children making the supporting cast of eight.
Child 1: Crawford. The alienator. The one who will stop at nothing to destroy our family. The one who waits in the shadow to snare each child as they leave home. The angry one. The sociopath. The one who is perfect and never to blame. The one I have had to bury and suffer his death and yet he continues to resurrect.
Child 2: Lynn. My first daughter. The one I once has a special bond. The one whose betrayal I never saw coming. The one who hurts me with her children.
Child 3: Paul. Our first baby together. The one that held our hearts for so long. The one who still causes us tears. He is brainwashed. We still hope. We pray for his return.
Child 4: Grace. She almost fell into the clutches of evil. They worked hard on her. But through the grace of God she escaped the icy grips. She ran back into our arms. She loves us and makes us feel so. She lives close. Lets us watch our grand baby grow. She is God's consolation for the pain we have endured.
Child 5: Clare. The almost perfect one. The one that is still too young. She is undefiled. She is an honor student. She is God's consolation to us.
Child 6: Michael. Our special boy. He is autistic with a brain injury. He is like dealing with quadruplet toddlers. He is my little angel on the inside but can be loud, abusive, demanding and just down right nasty!
Child 7: Marie. I'm not sure about this one yet. She is a pistol. But she is so funny. So full of life She is popular wherever she goes. She has a kind and strong heart and loves her faith. I think this one may need a little extra prayers. She is a lot like Grace and could be easily led astray but also easily kept close.
Child 8: Augustine (Gus). The baby. He may have some learning issues and deals with a lot of ADHD. He loves us to the point of suffocation! He brings me so much comfort and joy. So many nights I can still hold him on my lap and feel the security that I can give him.
Grand child 1 and 2: Natty and Deanne. They belong to the alienator. I see them every couple months thanks to their mother who is divorced from Crawford.
Grand 3: Dawn. Belongs to child 3. She is a character. She loves me. She loves to come stay with me.
Grand 4: Rose. Belongs to child 2. The first of the grandchildren to truly be used against me. I have seen her only a few times in her first year. She is also the first grand from a daughter. I was surprised at the bond I had for her before she was born. Being cut out of her life has had an unexpected pain.
Grand 5: Mena. My joy in life. She belongs to child 4. She is the one I see all the time. The one whose face brightens when she sees me. The one to whom I can truly be grandmother.
Grand 8: Bella. She belongs to child 3. His second. I have seen her may times since her birth. She is so sweet and beautiful.
Grand 7: Gerard. Second baby of child 2. The first boy. A new pain for Paul as he is cut from his first grandson's life. He is the newest. The smallest. The first one to enter the world without us knowing until he was here.
The other supporting roles include the other halves of these children. The ones who have a big influence on them once they leave.
Child 1 has had three of these. The first lasted a month. The second gave me 2 grandchildren and lasted a year. The third has been a pretend spouse but will be making it official this spring.
Child 2 is married to Tony. He can not stand anyone in her family and isolates her from everyone. She told us after they were first married that he was abusive. I have not heard anything since then.
Child 3 is married to Lynn. Since there is already a Lynn in the cast we will call her Pauline. She did not like us for a long time. I understand She did not know us. She was poisoned by the lies that child 1 and 2 told them. But God has worked hard on us. We love her dearly and if she doesn't know that we pray that one day she will.
Child 4 is married to Benny. He is amazing. He has replaced the 2 older brothers for the younger children. They love him.
So there is my cast of characters. We are a motley crew but is there a family on earth who is not??
The Second Half
I have decided to journal and write my memoirs at the same time. I hope that one day my children will see this and understand me a little better. And if they never see it I hope that it will, at least, help me to understand myself better.
I discovered as I approach 50 years old that I have changed so much and find that the next few decades will be an adventure I never could have imagined. I had my life well planned. At least I had an idea of how I wanted it to go. I grew up on 1970s TV family shows. Little House On the Prairie, The Waltons, Green Acres, Bonanza, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Happy Days. There was a mom and dad who loved God, country and family. As to the first two shows which I watched religiously, God, the church, faith, morals and values were the center of family life. In my own home, I had a mom and dad in which God once played an important role. I had parents who had morals and values and tried to use these to raise and discipline us. There were three of us children. We took vacations together. Spent weekends together. We lived in the same town that my parents were raised in, the same schools they attended and the same town as our grandparents lived.
And so, I thought, my life would go as my parents and their parents and their parents. I thought I would have children that would want to be a part of a family and be a part of something as old as the creation itself. Family.
However, something that I did not take into account and that my children still can't seem to grasp is that I am human. A sinner. Weak. Flawed! They have decided to blame us for things in their life. They have demanded apologies. They have attempted to keep our grandchildren from us. Too many years of pain and now I am numb. So I turn to this. To be able to see my thoughts and read them back. To make sense of the madness that has darkened my motherhood.
I have a long lasting secret schedule with my eight children in order to make them each feel special. Every month on the date of their birthday I set an hour or so aside to do something just with them. Or I make sure I let them know how much I love them. As they got older I would send them a random text, email or card on that day and tell them the same. The older three are adults who no longer feel they need that love from me. So, I am going to fill the years left with notes to them. They will be referred to by their child number and a fake name in order to protect them. I am not writing them to hurt them. I am writing it for my healing and to help other parents out there who are hurt by their adult children. I am writing it so that one day they will know how terribly much I love them. They have shut me out. They can longer hear and feel my love. My comfort in their rejection is knowing I have 5 other children. My fear for them is they only have one mother and once I'm gone I will never be able to say these things again.
I discovered as I approach 50 years old that I have changed so much and find that the next few decades will be an adventure I never could have imagined. I had my life well planned. At least I had an idea of how I wanted it to go. I grew up on 1970s TV family shows. Little House On the Prairie, The Waltons, Green Acres, Bonanza, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Happy Days. There was a mom and dad who loved God, country and family. As to the first two shows which I watched religiously, God, the church, faith, morals and values were the center of family life. In my own home, I had a mom and dad in which God once played an important role. I had parents who had morals and values and tried to use these to raise and discipline us. There were three of us children. We took vacations together. Spent weekends together. We lived in the same town that my parents were raised in, the same schools they attended and the same town as our grandparents lived.
And so, I thought, my life would go as my parents and their parents and their parents. I thought I would have children that would want to be a part of a family and be a part of something as old as the creation itself. Family.
However, something that I did not take into account and that my children still can't seem to grasp is that I am human. A sinner. Weak. Flawed! They have decided to blame us for things in their life. They have demanded apologies. They have attempted to keep our grandchildren from us. Too many years of pain and now I am numb. So I turn to this. To be able to see my thoughts and read them back. To make sense of the madness that has darkened my motherhood.
I have a long lasting secret schedule with my eight children in order to make them each feel special. Every month on the date of their birthday I set an hour or so aside to do something just with them. Or I make sure I let them know how much I love them. As they got older I would send them a random text, email or card on that day and tell them the same. The older three are adults who no longer feel they need that love from me. So, I am going to fill the years left with notes to them. They will be referred to by their child number and a fake name in order to protect them. I am not writing them to hurt them. I am writing it for my healing and to help other parents out there who are hurt by their adult children. I am writing it so that one day they will know how terribly much I love them. They have shut me out. They can longer hear and feel my love. My comfort in their rejection is knowing I have 5 other children. My fear for them is they only have one mother and once I'm gone I will never be able to say these things again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)